Oops! Hi-yi-yi-yi! The communion cups toppled in one hundred different directions, decorating the sanctuary carpet like a bad tie-dye t-shirt. It was all over in less than 15 seconds. Apparently, momma had taken a sweet moment to talk to some good friends in the front of the church assembly hall 15 seconds she would regret for a long time, at least as long as the purple stain radiated out through the once plush tan carpet. To this very day I can still remember the day that the little two-year-old wiggled under the communion table and bumped one of the legs a little too hard; and I can also remember the pastor’s subsequent twenty-week series on godly child training. As I recall, quite a few child-raising “experts” came out of the woodwork to help the Browns with their little hellion, as he was affectionately called by some of the more exasperated in the assembly.
I was an expert in child rearing for many years, until we had our first child. I think it was in 1991. Upon poking his head out of the womb, the boy promptly began screaming at me at the top of his lungs, and he didn’t take much of a breather for about two years. Most young parents quickly discover that when children emerge from the womb, they scream, they yell, they leak, and they do rude things to others. In short, there is some assembly required, and my son was no exception to the rule. He especially liked to scream . . . almost all of the time. Long trips were especially miserable, as he would scream for 3, 4, or 5 hours at a time. Eventually, we found that fitted ear plugs were quite handy to help us keep a sanctified composure during these torturous automobile rides. The first time we tried them out we were amazed at the special tranquility that would so quickly settle over the entire automobile, with the exception of the contorted red face of one small, still-screaming child straining against his car seat in the back seat.
Although I have yet to achieve the expert status in child-rearing that I held before we had children, here are a few lessons I have learned on the topic:
- Raising children is a shaping process and it takes time. Just because you didn’t see immediate improvement over ten weeks doesn’t mean you won’t see it after 10 years.
- Consistency always pays off.
- Some children are a factor of one hundred times more difficult than others.
- Every child will go through a different sequence of difficult times and easy times. There is no pattern that fits all children alike.
- The Bible (and specifically the book of Proverbs) is the best book on child rearing.
To this day, I struggle with the definition of the well-behaved child. Are we talking about children who live in a nice, safe world where there are no sharp edges, where they cannot run, climb trees, and hoot and holler? Are these children who smile nicely at strangers and keep their neatly-ironed pinafores as clean as clean can be? Is a well-behaved child one who has been taught to walk in lock-step, avoids lifting his voice above 34.3 decibels, and abides by some kind of a regulative principle of life in the which he can do nothing that is not specifically commanded of him?
I’m guessing some parents would shudder at such a caricature, while others would secretly admire it. At the very least, wouldn’t you think such a child would be better than the two-year-old terrorist that tears through the supermarket demanding this and that as his mother begs, pleads, and screams at him for a little respect? You know the scenario . . . In a last desperate attempt to gain control, she threatens him with, “I’m leaving now,” and starts to back out of the store. Meanwhile we are left wondering whether we should laugh or cry at the scene. I think we have all suffered through true-blue misbehavin’, and it is effectively the rule of the day almost everywhere.
Since the 1800s, good Christians have constructed their own little definitions of “well behaved.” One example of such definitions often used by previous generations is, “Children should be seen but not heard.” But the basic problem with such definitions is that they are not God’s definitions. Thus, man standards replace God’s standards, and when we begin to impose false standards on our children, eventually over the generations we will find that we are raising a fine crop of hypocrites. They may have a few decent manners on the outside, but there is next to nothing on the inside that would love and honor God or others.
I have seen young parents emerge from the latest set of seminars on child-rearing with a list of sure-fire methodologies from some homeschool guru, hoping that this will serve them well as a recipe for success. Some gurus call for timed feedings for babies and disciplined schedules, while others call for demand feedings and flexible schedules each claiming that theirs is the best way to apply biblical principle. But sure as shootin’, the minute you get your list dialed in perfectly, God will give you a little child who will blow the paradigm all to shreds. For this reason, I recommend using multiple counselors and resources to find helpful suggestions in the child raising department.
The real problem with creating the “sure-fire” list is that it is just too easy, and it doesn’t require faith in God or a heart cries for wisdom every single day. I am always amused when I see seminary professors and child-raising experts who finally get the opportunity to raise their own children. Assuming they do not delegate the task away, they soon discover that no library of books would be enough to teach them what they need to know about raising children. Every home provides a unique set of circumstances, and every child is a unique creation of God. On top of that, the heart is far too deep to plumb. You will only learn how to disciple children as you disciple them, as you walk beside them for 18 years, and as they give you their hearts, and as you give them yours.
According to the Bible, a misbehaving child is one who has honed the art of foolishness to a fine edge one who does not recognize authority and who has never learned to heed correction. But here’s the really scary thing about these rebellious children “whose teeth are like swords and whose jaws are set with knives”: they grow up. (Prov. 30:11-14) And that is how we get tyrants, serial killers, and feminists – none of whom know how to submit to God or the God-appointed authorities in their lives.
Well behaved children are children who love God, fear him, and walk in his commandments. That is the standard. But it get’s a little more complicated as you try to apply the standard. For example, loving God and others includes a sense of propriety and an interest in the needs and concerns of others. Manners should begin with a desire to respect the person and property of others. (Exodus 20:13-16) That sense of propriety will take into account the circumstances in which the child finds himself. If he is visiting a fragile grandmother at the rest home, it may not be appropriate for the little guy to run around the little room bumping into shins and table legs. On the other hand, if he’s visiting Uncle Buck and everybody knows Uncle Buck likes to play it rough and tumble a little running over the couch and kicking over the coffee table might be in order.
Teaching a child this kind of wisdom isn’t something accomplished in two years flat. Over time, children should learn a variety of manners that are appropriate for all the different contexts of life. The effort is a 16-18 year project. Even young men and women in their 20′s will need apprenticeships with skilled masters in business manners as they engage in the buying and selling of their products and services in the marketplace.
For parents just starting out, I would recommend teaching your children to take their cues from you at home. If you have trained them to obey you on the first command (without complaining) at home, it will be easier to control your child with hand signals, facial expressions and simple commands when you’re away from the home. Obedience is the first, basic lesson; and if a child does not learn this lesson, God promises that things will go badly in every other part of life. (Eph. 6:1-2)
If there is one virtue that I pray God would revive in homeschools across this nation, it is the virtue of honor. When husbands do not honor wives, when wives do not honor their husbands, and when there is little or no honor for church leaders and civil leaders, one need not wonder why there is so little honor for fathers and mothers. While it is true that manners and “well behaved children” are disappearing everywhere, the real problem is a lack of honor. And honor will never be learned unless millions of two-year-olds are taught to honor their fathers and mothers. If the fear and honor of God is the beginning of wisdom, then honor of parents is the first application of the fear of God. (Exod. 20:12, Lev. 19:3) May the Lord revive this in our hearts and homes today.
Take Your Child Raising Quiz Now
Child-raising calls for extraordinary wisdom. In fact, I cannot believe there is any one expert that can give you a recipe by which to raise these little ones.
Special Note: The following are garden-variety, common experiences shared by parents all over the world. These are real scenarios. They are not made up for dramatic effect. But you will find that each of them calls for a special wisdom from above.
Scenario #1: Your two-year-old son has wiped himself for the first time. And while he was at it, he wiped everything else in the bathroom with the same 3 square inches of toilet paper. What do you do?
A. Scream, laugh, go catatonic for 5 seconds, and collapse on the floor in front of him.
B. Calmly, express your delight that he has taken initiative, but encourage him to be more focused with his wiping the next time.
C. Contain the room immediately, call a Haz Mat team, demolish the entire bathroom and replace all exterior and interior walls.
Scenario #2: You are just wrapping up a little seminar on godly child rearing when you hear a piercing scream from the area of the building where your kids have been sitting with your wife. There are muffled admonitions, and then you can hear somebody say with a voice remarkably similar to that of your own sons, “But mom, she took my Bible and she was writing on it!” How would you wrap up your presentation?
A. Just keep talking as loud as you can. Maybe nobody will notice.
B. Use it as an object lesson. “Take that little boy in the back for example, uh son what’s your name?”
C. Ask if anybody would like to volunteer to lead the rest of the session.
Scenario #3: It’s a Sunday afternoon and you have visiting families over for supper. Following the blessing on the meal, your 5 year old daughter brightly notes that one of the visiting ladies is well equipped for nursing babies, and she would sure like to be equally well equipped as she approaches lady-hood. How would you follow up?
A. You find this an excellent segue into expounding on the virtues of breastfeeding over bottle feeding.
B. Allow for a very long, shall we say, “pregnant” pause, while waiting for the lady to graciously receive the well intentioned complement.
C. Clear your throat, and ask if somebody would please pass the potatoes.
Scenario #4: You are visiting a family in your church and you happen to overhear your 6 year old daughter critiquing the propriety of wearing batman pajamas. “Dad says that it’s a stupid movie it’s got a really bad worldview,” she pontificates. The host family looks at you for elucidation. What do you say?
A. You tell them that 6 year olds don’t know anything about worldviews, and besides theres nothing wrong with wearing pajamas.
B. You delve into the definition of the word “stupid,” and then expound at length on the blessing of Christian liberty.
C. Get down on your knees, and say these words, “Help me Lord! Help me now.”
Scenario #5: Your 13 year old son (going on 21 and 5 years old), helpfully parked the family car in the garage. But in the process, he confuses the two pedals and drove it too far into the garage. In fact, he drove the car so far into the garage, that it wound up in the swimming pool in the back. Your wife is now updating you on the matter on the cell, as you sit in an important business meeting with the president of your company. Now stop for just a moment, and consider. What is foremost in your considerations?
A. Is your son still IN the car at the bottom of the pool?
B. You can’t help but wonder if everybody in the conference room can actually hear what your wife is saying at a full 120 decibels through the earpiece of a cell phone.
C. You are mentally calculating how many years allowance it would take to pay for a new van and a garage. If you threw in slave labor
D. “Which critical wisdom lesson in the Proverbs did I miss in the last 13 years of disciple-ing this little man of God?”
Answer key: 1-C, 2-C, 3-C, 4-C, 5-A
If you didn’t miss any – Recheck your answers.
If you missed more than one – Repeat after me, “Help! Help me Lord!”